So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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