she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
