Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
