soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
