My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Come share oat with me in your robe
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
