When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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