he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Sorry my hands just texted you
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
