Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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