Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
