so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
