everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
