I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
