my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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