recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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