And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Randomize
