Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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