it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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