I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
