the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
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I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
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