I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
