If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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