It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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