I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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