please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
