Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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