dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
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I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
No...this little piggys going to the bar
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And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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