mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
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I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
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So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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