Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
