I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Come see our sink grown plant.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
