hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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