No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
