Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Found your dick twin last night
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
