Soap is not a condiment
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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