im about as happy as oj after his trial
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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