i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
