When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
