I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
