Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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