the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
3 2 1 whiskey
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
