Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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