So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
