dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
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He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
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I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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