OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
