Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
