I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
