I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
