im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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