Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
