when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
