Nicole vs. Life
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
it was like eating out sand paper
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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