also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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