There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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