Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
