dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
