Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
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